When the “gym bro bully” is…you
It was a sunny California afternoon in the Spring of 2019, and I was lying on my back, on my yoga mat, truly bawling. Like, the kind where your whole body bounces, and the tears just don’t stop. It wasn’t because I had released the emotions in my hips during pigeon pose, or whatever…it was because I was in utter despair. At the time, I thought I was just upset because my body had betrayed me, and I was filled with grief about how it had changed. I’m sure the grief was part of it. But I now realize that more than anything, I was crying because I was treating myself like shit.
I started practicing yoga in the ‘90s and did my first yoga teacher training in 2009. Like most people, my practice was at times on and off, but for about three years in the late 2010s, I stopped practicing altogether.
I was experiencing a lot of pain at the time, and because I couldn’t practice the way that I wanted to, I decided that I wouldn’t practice at all. (I was a bit stubborn, to be honest, but so it goes.) My pain continued to get worse, and my mobility was declining. Then, in 2019, I decided that I had to try again. Yoga had helped me with my pain in the past, and I was desperate enough to give it another shot.
When I got back on the mat, I was SO. MEAN. to myself. Here are some of the things I said to myself:
“Oh my God, I’m so weak. I can’t believe how hard this is for me.”
“Wow, I am so inflexible! This is humiliating.”
“I have gained so much weight. I hate this.”
“I’m so out of shape, I can’t believe I let this happen.”
Many of my practices ended with me just lying on my mat, sobbing.
Over time, I started to realize that it was the negative self-talk that was getting in the way of my practice (not my body), and that if I really wanted to keep showing up on the mat and actually moving…if I really wanted to feel better…I would need to do something differently.
Thankfully, I had been working on cultivating self-love for the previous five years with the support of The Body Positive, a non-profit organization I’d become involved with. It took some time, but I finally recognized these difficult yoga practices as opportunities to expand my self-love practice.
I understood that these hurtful messages were coming from a hurt part of me that was seeking self-protection, and I started engaging with that part of me in a kind and gentle way. “Oh my God, I’m so weak. I can’t believe how hard this is for me,” became, “These last few years have been really difficult. It makes sense that I’ve lost strength.”
“Wow, I’m so inflexible! This is humiliating,” became, “These stretches are clearly exactly what my body needs right now.”
“I have gained so much weight. I hate this,” became, “This is unpleasant because it’s different. I can show up for myself without forcing myself to sit in discomfort for too long. Over time, this feeling will change.”
“I’m so out of shape, I can’t believe I let this happen,” became, “I didn’t let anything happen. I’ve been managing my pain the best way I could. I am doing my best, and I always have.”
These shifts in the way I spoke to myself transformed my yoga practices from stressful, unpleasant, shameful experiences, to ones where I was literally rewiring neural pathways—shifting decades-long patterns of self-criticism into new patterns of kindness and self-acceptance.
Somehow, I stuck it out long enough to understand what was really happening so I could make a deep, lasting change. But the truth is that nobody should have to subject themselves to that type of treatment. If you find yourself getting emotional during movement or avoiding movement altogether because of the negative feelings and thoughts that arise, you are not alone! And I’d love to help.
I periodically run virtual workshops called Be Your Own Best Cheerleader, where I guide people through the process I used to be kinder to myself during movement (the first one is coming up on Sunday, June 28th!).
I also have an online course designed to help you develop a more loving relationship with your body and whole self called Homecoming: The 30-Day Self-Love Yoga Challenge. It’s a self-paced course that I offer quarterly, with community and coaching components to support your journey. (The next one begins on July 18th, offered at half price for the summer season!)
Finally, I offer one-on-one support with Individual Yoga Therapy sessions for those who need or want a more personalized approach.
